Life has NOT been the same..

Trent was born at 26 weeks ago almost 27 years ago, he only weighed 2 pounds 1 ounce and was told he was going to die- he fought the odds for close to 26 years- he passed away on Monday July 13, 2009.

Trent was multiply disabled, in a wheelchair and had a grade 4 bleed and was shunted-

I feel bad for anyone who did not know TRENT, he has been the GREATEST gift in our lives and the heartache were all feeling is painful. Trent was Mine (Shalise) and my oldest Brother Dustin and younger brother Jeremy, Trent was OUR baby brother- no matter what he was NEVER treated different, our lives could never have been better if we did not have Trent in it.

TRENT AND HIS (MY) MOM GLORIA

Though I am a MOM who has lost my babies at 24, 20, 10 weeks and have had both of my daughters premature It hurts to high waters being "just" the sister and having him pass away... It's like taking part of my heart and cutting it out- and now trying to function without it.

The Doctors would tell our family; "You know he lived way past his years", "He Should not have lived this long", UMM excuse me, WHO is anyone to tell how long SOMEONE is to live..

My Mom is amazing, My Mom knew Trent inside and out and with the intuition she had for him she felt that taking him to the hospital was the best decision based off of information recieved from Trent's Doctor: It's sad because now we wonder if it WAS the right thing, That will be more information that will come out at another time.

Going back to my Mom- She knew WAY more (and not just saying) then any of the Doctors up at the hospital. Many people say to us: "HE is in a BETTER place", What the heck! What was wrong with where he was at?

Trent, we miss YOU SO BAD- please feel our love. My heart goes out to all YOU mother's of Premature children who are and have had to fight in this world, for treatment, for acceptance.. We are ALL better people because of you caretakers and because of the disabled loved one's in our lives, NOT ONE DAY goes by that Trent is not thought of. I am mad, I am ANGRY and I want to punch a wall- but I cannot do it.. It will not get me far and it will not help me or my children. May my loving Heavenly Father comfort me and my Family at this difficult time.

Thanks to all that has supported our family

obituary is on my other blog; http://buzybugpixies.blogspot.com/

I encourage you ALL to help make someone else's life better..

Sunday Sabbath

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see;

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and

called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I'd always thought,

I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

He said "This is eternity,

And all I've promised you."

Today for life on earth is past,

But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day's the same way

There's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,

So trusting and so true.

Thought there were times

you did some things,

You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven

And now at last you're free.

So won't you take my hand

And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart

It's amazing the love I have from my friends, Facebook has surely put me back into contact with WONDERFUL people I had in my lives back in Elementary all the way to High School . Melissa Hill Whytock sent this to me through facebook, Melissa has been a wonderful strength to me with the loss of my brother, I was glad her and her cute family- her husband and daughter came to the viewing and the funeral-it's amazing how the small things in life make it better, It made my Day to see SO many wonderful faces from my past: Lisa Boswell and her Mom Lyna were there, The Kener's, Emilee Oliver from my ward (she is such a sweetheart), Amy and Jan my neighbors who are my friends as well..Shawn's Dad flew in and surprised us from Arizona, Mary Ann Hanny, all my cousins and most all of the extended family on my parent's side.. Kathy and Kristy came from St. George, the McGill's came from Idaho, Tiffany Caton and Stacy Caton- The Curtis Family- Lane and Diane Clark, Clint Clement, Seriously the list goes on and on... I am so appreciative of the love I have recieved from my friends in my ward: Joelle, thanks for the balloon boquet as well as yours Emily.

I recieved many e-mails,Visits,support, phone call cards from friends from long ago: Thank You Amy Epperson, Robyn Uribe, Corbie Coy, Sam Crump, Shannn Crump, Pauline Crump, Laverne, it just goes on and on- I know if I forget you it's because I am drawing a blank- Today has been so emotional for me, I love you all and I am Thankful for the Plan of Salvation- I know I will see Trent again, I have Faith of this. Please know I still have a lot of people to Thank and more information to post on here, in time I will do so. I am working on a big project right now.

This poem is amazing. Thanks again Melissa!

Sunday Sabbath

Today was a good day at church, My head has been spinning around the last little while as many thoughts of the past month with losing my brother, with my oldest daughter going to enter 1st grade, my youngest with her last year in preschool, with the economy they way it is, missing my Vegas Family, missing Trent, worrying about my parents and brother Jer, worrying about my wonderful neighbors The Tamamasui Family, My cute neighbor Jan, thinking about Paul and Lynnette as Paul waits for a heart transplant, Thinking about adding a new addition to our family but worrying about the swine flu and everything else.

Life sure jumbles me up sometimes, It was great in sacrament today as the Dellinger Family spoke on the Plan of Salvation- I feel so blessed to have the Faith that I will be with my brother Trent again and the 3 baby boys Ashton, Canyon, Christian that I lost through stillbirth, misscarriage, My granpa's, my sweet second mom Cheryl, My second Dad Jerry, and SO many more people what strength I have to know that we will be with them again. I cannot even imagine living and feeling that after we die that is it.. If this really was the case I may as well go rob a bank and get my millions- my luck I would be caught and really what then would be the point. There would be NO point.

I keep being told that Trent is in a better place, so I say the same as everyone else- when asked how I am doing I say- ya know it sucks and I hate it, but he is in a better place: so everyone tells me, my only thing with this is the fact that he was in a great place with us living with my parents. WE LOVED TRENT I think more then anyone can really imagine. Even though he is gone I still feel like he is going to be at my parents when I get there, he's not .. I think I am still numb, I know there was a viewing and a funeral but I really cannot believe he is gone- Trent was my best friend, I am sad; I am frustrated and I am plain MAD. I want the pain to go away- I am not sure that it ever will... I try to look at all that I have been through and I know that others have it worse but gosh darn it, I have had my share-

Ok, I got a little bit off my shoulders: I still need to take time and post about Trent and his passing, I cannot do it yet because of my emotions. I appreciate all of your patients... I feel so blessed to have had wonderful friends and wonderful friends/neighbors in my ward. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and knows the pain I am going through. Thanks to all of you who have been my support, who have called, left cards etc. I love you and appreciate you.

Has it really been 2 years???

2 years ago today I was pregnant with a little one... I was 20 weeks along and something just happened.... We lost our little one, we believe the cord was around his neck. It is always HARD to lose a baby... it seems that were pretty good at it. We know our Angels are in heaven and not one day goes by that I am not thinking of my babies.. We love you Canyon and we miss you and often wonder what you would look like and whom you would become.

I am greatful to know we will see you again. Thank goodness for the plan of Salvation, your not alone with 2 other brothers in Heaven.. they say it get's easier, I think it is something you just learn to deal with, what other options do we have.... We think about our babies all the time and our sadness is still there.

~we will LOVE you FOREVER~

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,

As I made plans to hold you and rock you:

You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,

But something went wrong and soon you were gone;

My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,

I'd never known such heartache and pain. I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,

Do you have my smile and his eyes?

Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?

We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.

It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,

Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven. I'll hold you in heaven someday,

When my trials on earth pass away;

The angels have rocked you,

the Father watches over you,

I know you're waiting for me;

I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",

But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

In Memory of our baby Canyon who we lost at 20 weeks.

What to do if your friend loses a baby.

Many People do not know what to do when they have a friend whom just found out the baby she is carrying has died and that she must deliver a baby that will not come home to her. I came acrossed a website about this book> I am going to buy it for myself :

By: liam callanan

www.liamcallanan.com

What to do if you, or a friend, delivers a stillborn child

First, if you yourself have recently lost a child, my heart goes out to you. I don't mean that to sound trite—"my heart goes out to you"—because it's true. You may not realize it yet, but there is a vast, and mostly invisible community of parents who've lost children to stillbirth: trust me, you'll feel their hearts reaching out to you soon, if you have not already.

If you have a friend or family member who has suffered such a loss, again, my sympathies. I hope the advice below helps. Don't be shy about reaching out to them, but don't be upset if they're not ready to receive you yet. Less intrusive means of communication—a letter, an e-mail—are usually more welcome than calls or visits, but whatever you do, don't be shy about reaching out.

Things to do later:

Talk to someone. Talk to a counselor or therapist or some other type of professional. Find a support group. And: both of you should go. There's often this sense that only the mother needs to grieve, or will be affected. Both parents are affected, and in different ways. Both should go.

Wait on your next child. If you are planning on trying again to conceive, wait. You would have waited if the child had been born alive; every child, even those stillborn, need time and space in your lives. The next child will not be a replacement (despite the occasional assurances of the well-meaning, but ill-informed). How long should you wait? Your doctor may tell you a year, or at least long enough so that the pregnancy won't be on the same schedule. I would only say, wait as long as can, no longer.

Read. Sometimes the easiest solace to receive is from books. Books we liked and recommend to others are Silent Sorrow by Ingrid Kohn et al., and Empty Arms by Sherokee Isle. The first is encyclopedic, the second intimate, and both are helpful.

Reach out. If you are a friend of a couple who's lost a child, don't worry if you have trouble reaching them in the early days. They will need to hear a friendly voice weeks, or months on—by that time, the immediate tidal wave of caring has passed, and it's often a time when the couple feels most lonely. Don't be shy about contacting them on Mother's Day, or Father's Day, or the child's birthday. Never worry about bringing the topic up—if they don't want to talk about it then, they won't. People sometimes worry, "oh, but I don't want to remind them of this horrible thing." Believe me, you're not reminding them. I've received emails from mothers who lost children 20 years ago and they think about them every day. Of course they do—is there a day you don't think about your kids? And if you're someone who has lost a child, be there for the next couple who hears the horrible news. I can't tell you what relief it has brought my wife and I to try to bring relief to others in the years since we lost Lucy.

surviving Emotionally after a stillbirth baby.

Stillbirth is one of the most devastating of losses, affecting over 25,000 families each year. Stillbirth touches families of all races, religion and socio-economic status. For many parents stillbirth is a loss that hits unexpectedly. In fact, up to half of all stillbirths occur in pregnancies that had seemed problem-free.

With any loss, grief can come in many different ways. The initial shock and numbness will eventually fade to other very intense emotions. The grieving process is different for everyone, with the one common thread being pain. Allowing yourself and others to experience this in individual ways can be vital to eventual healing.

What should I do if my baby has died?

As you are trying to cope with the heartbreaking news, you will also have to face an uncomfortable dilemma. If your baby has died before labor begins you will probably be given the choice of what type of birth you would prefer; this is not an easy decision to make. Giving birth naturally may give you a little more time to work through the shock and begin the grieving process. Generally, it is medically safe for the mother to continue carrying her baby until labor begins which is normally about 2 weeks after the baby has died. This lapse in time can have an affect on the baby’s appearance at delivery and it is best to be prepared for this.

Some women prefer to be induced as soon as possible because it is emotionally difficult for some women to think of carrying their deceased baby in the womb. If labor has not started after two weeks, induction would become necessary to avoid dangerous blood clotting. A cesarean is usually only recommended if complications arise during labor and delivery.

How will I recover physically after having a stillbirth?

After you give birth to a stillborn baby, your body needs time to heal as it would in any birthing situation. Your doctor will probably recommend taking it easy, to give your body time to heal. A few days after you get home from the hospital, your breasts may fill with milk. The milk will normally disperse within a few days but your breasts may feel sore and tender for awhile. This experience can be upsetting because it is reminder of your loss. Try taking a warm bath to ease the discomfort. You may continue to bleed off and on for a few weeks. If you continue to bleed beyond three weeks, have a fever, or cramping, it is important to contact your healthcare provider.

Saying hello, goodbye, and making memories:

After the tests are completed, you will usually have the choice to spend time alone with your baby. You can find comfort in looking at, touching, and talking to your baby. Most parents find it helpful to make memories of this precious time that will last a lifetime. Here are a few ways you can make memories with your baby:

• You can give your baby a bath and dress them in a special outfit. Before leaving the hospital you can take the booty or hat to have as a keepsake.
• You can take pictures of your baby.
• The hospital staff can give you handprints and or footprints.
• You may want to take a lock of your baby’s hair.
• It may seem odd at first but you can read a story or sing a lullaby to your baby.
• If you would like, the nurse can record your baby’s measurements.
• You probably have also named your baby by now. Be sure to tell the hospital staff as soon as possible so all documents can have your baby’s name listed.
• You can have your baby christened or blessed while in the hospital.
• A baptism certificate will also be given to you to keep.

You will be able to spend as much time as you need with your baby, but at some point you will need to say goodbye. This will probably be one of the most challenging things to do because it is so final. Allow yourself to cry; expressing emotion is natural in the grieving process. Having the keepsakes will remind you that a part of your baby will always be with you.

What can I expect when I leave the hospital?

You normally will be allowed to leave the hospital when you are physically ready. Leaving the hospital may be filled with a mix of emotions. You may be feeling ready to get to the safety and security of your own home, but at the same time dealing with the anger and sadness of not having a baby to take home with you. Having supportive family around can help you get through this. Some parents have found it helpful to have a family member move all the baby items into a spare room before they get home so that these can be gone through at a time when the parents feel ready.

What about my family members?

With the loss of your baby, your family members will also grieve. Your baby is someone’s granddaughter, brother, cousin, nephew or sister. It is important for your family members to spend time with the baby. This will help them come to terms with their loss. If you have other children, it is very important to be honest with them about what has happened by using simple and honest explanations. It is your decision whether you would like the children to see the baby. Ask for a Child Life Specialist at the hospital; these are trained professionals who can help you prepare your children for the heartbreaking news, and prepare them to see the baby if you wish.

How do I tell people about our loss?

Telling family members and friends can be emotionally draining and overwhelming. You may want to have one family member be “in charge” of telling others about what has happened, about funeral arrangements, and ways they can help.

What should I do about a funeral or memorial service?

A social worker or chaplain at the hospital can help you make funeral arrangements. Most funeral homes will provide a free coffin, burial or cremation for stillborn babies. Although there may be other expenses, this contribution will alleviate some of the financial strain. The date of the service will depend on when the hospital releases your baby. The length of the service as well as the number of family members you want present is entirely up to you. This may be very difficult for you but also comforting to know your baby is at rest.

What should I do with the baby items?

The time will come when you are ready to sort through your baby items deciding what do to do with them. Ask a friend or relative to help you find out what store return policies are and assist you in getting items returned. Put items that you want to keep, together in a special box that you can get into when you need to. Try not to make any hasty decisions such as giving everything to charity; you may regret this later. You may want to give some items to charity, return some back to the store and keep some for the next baby.

How can I help myself grieve?

The following are things you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time in your life.

• Talk to people about how you feel
• Joining a support group may help you feel less isolated; it is good to know someone else understands what you are going through.
• Write about your feelings in a journal. You may want to write a letter to your baby.
• Make something for your baby such as an album, or plant a tree in the baby’s memory, or anything that makes you feel that you have done something.

Healing will take time. Little by little the emptiness that you feel in your heart will lessen and you will learn to live your life again. You will have new dreams and hopes for the future and your outlook on life will change. This means you are beginning to accept your loss, not forget it.

What are my chances of having another stillbirth?

The chances of having another stillbirth are very small. In fact, most women will give birth to a healthy baby after experiencing a stillbirth.

When should we try again?

When to try again is something only you and your partner can decide. You will probably be physically ready before you are emotionally ready to start trying again. Future pregnancies will be tougher for you if you do not come to terms with your loss. Some professionals recommend you wait for at least a few months or up to a year before trying again as to give yourself time to grieve.

Helpful Books:

• A Rose in Heaven — by Dawn Siegrist Waltman
• I’ll Hold You in Heaven — by Jack W. Hayford
• Am I still a Big Sister? — by Audrey Bernheimer Weir and Susannah Hart Thomer

Going to a Great Home!

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal, But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles, No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

Author Unknown

Yesterday morning (Saturday) Shawn had an early morning study group. The past few days I have been slowly starting to go through things, to D.I., Sell or just give away! I have over time had MANY baby boy clothes, as per my blog most of you know that I have had my share of loss and with boys. So, yesterday I gathered those clothes with there tags and without and put them in bags, I had 2 full bags of all kind of sizes for a baby boy! My kids were playing so I went up to some great neighbors we have who has had a similiar experience losing one of her twins (a daughter) at 22 weeks and then miraculously carrying her son to 29 weeks, he is a preemie and still in the NICU.

I felt so strong about my choices and decided it was time to give them up and let them be used. It will not bring my son Ashton who we lost almost 5 years ago in May. Nor' will it bring Canyon or Christian back... let them be used. I wrote a nice card and stuck it in the bag and talked with Holly and Tyler for a while. I always love being around these guys~ they are such wonderful people and my heart breaks that they have had to go through this pain. Holly was cute, I was a little teared up and she said "are you sure", If you really are ready! I said I am ready and handed her the bags.

A little over a year ago now I did the same thing with another wonderful family in my ward. They had not been able to have children and finally adopted a darling boy they named Zak! I love Josh and Emilee as well, I could not have thought of 2 families I could help out then the 2 I have chosen. All of my boy baby stuff is now gone, I have learned that it is all in my heart and spirit where I can appreciate these valiant spirits.

I love my Angel Babies who are gone too soon, I thank my Father in Heaven for the fact that they will be reunited with us once again! Not a day goes by that I am not thinking of my boys! Until we meet again. I love you!! I find myself more and more trying to do some kind of service for my neighbors. This economy is affecting SO many lives, I know that service is what has helped me stay strong through these hard times and I have such great Faith and know that things will be ok. Author Unknown